Nothing is quite as memorable as the sting of an insult. Whether between friends or between enemies, some shady comments are so outlandish that it’s easy to think that they’re completely made up.
These insults prove that some people truly have the gift of wit and savagery while others can only try and hide so as to not be the target. If you’ve ever been the target of a savage sting, then you’ll know what that means. On the other hand, if you are the one delivering these cuts then hopefully whoever it’s aimed at deserves it.
While some comments are only enough to make us laugh and move on, there are others that are able to transcend time and continue to sting even today. So take a look at some of the most savage comments made throughout history and let us know which ones still make you flinch.
Johnny Carson Said Chevy Chase ‘Couldn’t Ad Lib A Fart At A Bean-Eating Contest’
Insulter: Johnny Carson
Insulted: Chevy Chase
Quote: “He couldn’t ad lib a fart at a bean-eating contest.”
Context: Johnny Carson was a television host and comedian who reached legendary status from his long tenure as host of The Tonight Show from 1962-1992. The show set the stage for the talk show host format and is still airing today.
Like most comedians, Carson was not averse to making jokes at the expense of others. One of these others turned out to be Chevy Chase – a fellow comedian, actor, and writer. This comment came up when Carson saw a clip of Chase on Saturday Night Live where Chase froze and didn’t seem to be able to improvise any other lines. Despite this roast of his comedic abilities, Carson and Chase later made nice and became poker pals.
Louis IX Of France Said He’d ‘Rather Have A Scot Come Rule Than His Son Govern’
Insulter: Louis IX of France
Insulted: His oldest son, Louis
Quote: “…I would rather have a Scot come from Scotland to govern the people of this kingdom well and justly than that you should govern them ill in the sight of all the world.”
Context: Seeking parental approval is tough, especially if you’re a monarch. King Louis IX spared no feelings when he lay dangerously ill and made it known that he’d rather have a Scot rule France if his son wasn’t going to do a good job. Given that the French and Scottish hated each other, this comment wasn’t lightly made. King Louis IX was known to be a good regent and have immense love for his people, and he wasn’t going to let nepotism get in the way of good governing. However, his oldest son, Louis, passed before his father’s reign was over, and the throne went to his son Phillip III.
Hunter S. Thompson Said Nixon Was ‘So Crooked That He Needed Servants To Help Screw His Pants On Every Morning’
Insulter: Hunter S. Thompson
Insulted: Richard Nixon
Quote:
If the right people had been in charge of Nixon’s funeral, his casket would have been launched into one of those open-sewage canals that empty into the ocean just south of Los Angeles. He was a swine of a man and a jabbering dupe of a President. Nixon was so crooked that he needed servants to help him screw his pants every morning.
Context: Hunter Thompson was an American writer and journalist. Known as a counterculture icon, he is often credited with starting gonzo journalism. He never held back when giving his opinion – especially when it came to President Richard Nixon.
It was no secret that Thompson detested Nixon from his inauguration until the president’s passing in 1994. This quote is from a Nixon obituary written by Thompson. While most people refrain from insulting the deceased, Thompson doubled down on his loathing of Nixon.
Elizabeth Taylor Considered ‘Dogs And Horses’ Some Of Her ‘Best Leading Men’
Insulter: Elizabeth Taylor
Insulted: Her male costars
Quote: “…On reflection, I reckon some of my best leading men have been dogs and horses.”
Context: Elizabeth Taylor was one of the most famous classic Hollywood actresses to have ever graced the silver screen. She was known for her beauty, talent, lavish lifestyle, and of course, for her eight marriages. During her career, she starred in over 49 films and worked with many famous leading men, including Paul Newman, Rock Hudson, James Dean, Spencer Tracy, Warren Beatty, Marlon Brando, and husbands Eddie Fisher and Richard Burton.
The subtle jab came up in a 1981 interview when Taylor was asked about the Lassie movies she’d starred in and told the interviewer that Lassie was a “he.” Taylor then went on to make a comment more favorable to her animal costars than her human ones.
Christopher Smart Thought Poet Thomas Gray ‘Walks As If He Had Fouled His Small Clothes And Looks As If He Smelt It’
Insulter: Christopher Smart
Insulted: Thomas Gray
Quote: “He walks as if he had fouled his small clothes, and looked as if he smelt it”
Context: Both Christopher Smart and Thomas Gray were English authors and poets. They became known for their notable contributions to poetic diction and literature and resided at the University of Cambridge around the same time. Despite their similarities, they didn’t get along. Smart was known more for his wit and wild ways, while Gray was more of a conservative guy.
While this insult may seem unfitting of a high-society English poet, it’s reported that Smart made this embarrassing assessment of his peer.
Lyndon B. Johnson Said All His VP Needed Was ‘A Gal To Answer The Phone And A Pencil With An Eraser On It’
Insulter: Lyndon B. Johnson
Insulted: Hubert Humphrey
Quote: “What does he need all that staff for? All Hubert needs over there is a gal to answer the phone and pencil with an eraser on it.”
Context: President Lyndon B. Johnson was known for his biting jokes and his no-holds-barred attitude. He was an eclectic president who often used humor to get his point across. He was also known for outlandish stories and his stubborn attitude.
Johnson, who had served as vice president under John F. Kennedy, was reportedly dominant over the VP role once he was president, offering little power or agency to his own VP, Hubert Humphrey. Humphrey wasn’t spared from Johnson’s jabs – when irritated with Humphrey, Johnson reportedly made the demeaning comment about Humphrey and his importance, or lack thereof.
Keith Richards Couldn’t ‘Warm To Chuck Berry Even If He Was Cremated Next To Him’
Insulter: Keith Richards
Insulted: Chuck Berry
Quote: “I couldn’t warm to him even if I was cremated next to him.”
Context: Chuck Berry was an American music legend. His influence on rock ‘n’ roll is undeniable, and many artists still see him as an inspiration. However, he was also a complicated man, who, according to some, could be very moody and unpredictable. Keith Richards, who has been very outspoken about his admiration for Berry, was actually punched in the eye once by Berry for touching his guitar. Richards jokingly referred to the incident as “Chuck’s greatest hit.”
Berry’s talent and unpredictability made for great music but not necessarily for great relationships with other musicians. Despite Richards’s comment, he felt a great affinity for Berry and credited him with being one of the biggest influences in his music career. He posted a tribute to Berry after his passing, describing the late musician as a “very guarded and private man” who was actually more warm-hearted than his outward demeanor let on.
Nick Faldo Said He And His First Wife Had A ‘Happy Marriage Of Eight Months,’ But Unfortunately ‘Were Married For Four And A Half Years’
Insulter: Nick Faldo
Insulted: Ex-wife Melanie Rockall
Quote: “We were happily married for eight months. Unfortunately, we were married for four and a half years.”
Context: Nick Faldo is a professional English golfer and is considered to be one of the best players of all time. He began playing at 14 and by the age of 20 he had become the youngest player ever to qualify for the Ryder Cup. While professionally he’s been extremely successful, one could argue that personally he may have struggled a bit.
As of 2022, Faldo has been married three times. His first married Melanie Rockall in 1979 when he was 21. His comment regarding his first marriage was answered by Rockall, who fired back that her ex “wants a wife to be a Faldo soldier. He demands enormous, unflagging emotional support – a secretary, a PA, somebody to fight his battles and a woman who is completely self-sacrificing.”
Rockall isn’t the only one to hit back on Faldo’s past love life. After filing for divorce from his third wife, Valerie Bercher, Bercher’s father responded, “We are at a loss to explain. But it is not the first time he has changed his mind. He bought a Bentley recently but once he had it he was bored with it after a month and got rid of it.”
Joan Crawford Thought Her Rival Was ‘A Phony, But I Guess The Public Likes That’
Insulter: Joan Crawford
Insulted: Bette Davis
Quote: “She’s a phony, but I guess the public likes that.”
Context: The feud between Joan Crawford and Bette Davis was well known in Hollywood’s Golden Age. Both actresses were beautiful, successful women who often found themselves competing for the same roles and even, at times, for the same men. Crawford actually married Franchot Tone, an actor Davis had openly been in love with; decades later, Davis remarked that she would never forgive Crawford for this.
The rift between Crawford and Davis was often a source of press interest, and both women weren’t shy about expressing how they truly felt about one another. Insults and criticism flew both ways, with Davis once sniping, “[Crawford] slept with every male star at MGM – except Lassie.”
In an interview with author Roy Newquist, Crawford made the comment about her rival being “phony,” while suggesting that Davis was merely famous for her mannerisms rather than for actual talent.
Geoffrey Perkins Conceded That Ringo Starr Wasn’t The World’s Best Drummer, Or Even ‘The Best Drummer In The Beatles’
Insulter: Geoffrey Perkins
Insulted: Ringo Starr
Quote: “Maybe Ringo Starr wasn’t the best drummer in the world. All right, maybe he wasn’t the best drummer in the Beatles.”
Context: Geoffrey Perkins was a British comedian who worked for BBC’s sketch comedy show Radio Active. Similar to Saturday Night Live, their comedy sketches often used musicians and celebrities as cannon fodder for their jokes, such as this cheeky slight to Beatles drummer Ringo Starr.
Commonly misattributed to bandmate John Lennon, Perkins’s joke did reference some actual Beatles drama. Starr temporarily quit the band in 1968, tired of the constant squabbles and tension. Paul McCartney stepped up to take his place on the drums, playing on several songs on The White Album. However, the band struggled with the drums on “Back in the U.S.S.R.” and allegedly pleaded with Starr to come back, sending him a telegram that read, “You’re the best rock n’ roll drummer in the world. Come on home, we love you.”
When Asked About J.Lo, Mariah Carey Said, ‘I Don’t Know Her’
Insulter: Mariah Carey
Insulted: Jennifer Lopez
Quote:
Reporter: “And with J.Lo, your…?”
Mariah: “I don’t know her.”
Context: This dig led to one of the most circulated memes of all time. In an early-2000s interview, a German tabloid magazine asked singer Mariah Carey about her thoughts on a few of her fellow pop stars. When asked about Beyoncé, Mariah rained praise on her, stating that she loved her and that she thought she was a great writer and singer in addition to being a very sweet person. When asked about Lopez, it was a very different story. With a head nod and straight face, Mariah quickly cut off the interviewer’s question to state she didn’t know her.
At the time, Lopez had already been Grammy nominated and her album had gone platinum four times, so the comment raised quite a few eyebrows. Both singers were topping charts. Carey later explained that she “was trying to say something nice or say nothing at all.”
Years later, Carey is still asked about that interview and has continued to double down on her previous statement that she doesn’t know Lopez, but has also elaborated by saying that she’s a very forgetful person. Lopez agreed that Carey must be forgetful, as she stated they have met several times.
Edward VIII Of The United Kingdom Called Out American Parents For ‘The Way [They] Obey Their Children’
![Edward VIII Of The United Kingdom Called Out American Parents For 'The Way [They] Obey Their Children'](https://imgix.ranker.com/user_node_img/46/916881/original/916881-photo-u-698473951?auto=format&q=60&fit=crop&fm=pjpg&dpr=2&w=375)
Insulter: Edward VIII
Insulted: American parents
Quote: “The thing that impresses me most about America is the way parents obey their children.”
Context: Edward VIII, later known as the Duke of Windsor, was king of the United Kingdom for just under a year in 1936. Edward VIII ended up abdicating his throne in order to marry an American woman named Wallis Warfield Simpson, who the Church of England, as well as the British government, would not accept into the royal family due to the fact that she’d been divorced twice. Edward ultimately decided to give up his throne and and married Simpson in 1937. The pair stayed together until their deaths.
Even before his relationship with Simpson, Edward VIII reportedly was a huge fan of American culture, which perhaps seemed less restrictive than his own upbringing. However, according to the Oxford Dictionary of Quotations, he hurled this roast of American parents in 1957, suggesting that, at that point, he wasn’t necessarily an admirer of all things American.
Søren Kierkegaard Regarded His Opponent, Bishop Martensen, As ‘A Glob Of Snot’
Insulter: Søren Kierkegaard
Insulted: Hans Lassen Martensen
Quote: “My opponent is a glob of snot.”
Context: Soren Kierkegaard and H.L. Martensen were both Danish writers whose work spanned various genres including philosophy, theology, psychology, and literary criticism, among others. Both were well known in their respected communities but also didn’t see eye to eye when it came to religion and church politics.
While he was a fervent Christian, Kierkegaard was very critical of Danish church politics. Martensen, on the other hand, was a bishop and proponent of the Danish church. This led to Kierkegaard eventually calling Martensen a “glob of snot” out of frustration. This didn’t turn out well for Martensen, who, despite all his work, is perhaps more famously known for this insult.
General George B. McClellan Called President Lincoln A ‘Well-Meaning Baboon’ And His Secretary of State An ‘Incompetent Little Puppy’
Insulter: George B. McClellan
Insulted: Abraham Lincoln, William Seward, and Gideon Welles
Quote: From a letter addressed to his wife, Mary Ellen McClellan:
I can’t tell you how disgusted I am becoming with these wretched politicians – they are a most dispicable [sic] set of men & I think Seward is the meanest of them all – a meddling, officious, incompetent little puppy – he has done more than any other one man to bring all this misery upon the country & is one of the least competent to get us out of the scrape. The [president] is nothing more than a well meaning baboon. Welles is weaker than the most garrulous old woman you were ever annoyed by. Bates is a good inoffensive old man – so it goes – only keep these complimentary opinions to yourself, or you may get me into premature trouble.
Context: During President Abraham Lincoln’s presidency, General George McClellan was tapped to head the Union Army. He did such a great job, Lincoln promoted him to general-in-chief. Despite this, General McCellan was known for his immense dislike of political leaders, including Lincoln. He often didn’t take direction well and was highly arrogant. He felt he knew better than politicians who weren’t out on the battlefield.
In his writings to his wife, McClellan often insulted political leaders, including the president, whom he also called “the original gorilla.” McClellan’s 1861 letter also addresses Secretary of State William Seward, Secretary of the Navy Gideon Welles, and Attorney General Edward Bates, whom McClellan seems to view more favorably.
Emperor Nero Posthumously Insulted One Of His Victims, Wondering, ‘How Could I Have Been Afraid Of A Man With Such A Long Nose?’
Insulter: Emperor Nero
Insulted: The severed head of a conspirator he’d had killed.
Quote: “How could I have been afraid of a man with such a long nose?”
Context: Nero Claudius Caesar is one of the most infamous emperors to have ever ruled Rome. His reign of terror lasted from 54-68 CE. His legacy was cemented through his cruelty, corruption, and depravity; he had no problem murdering on a whim. By 65 CE, many politicians began to conspire against the emperor, particularly after learning of his intent to kill all of the senate. Nero discovered the plot and forced many of the conspirators to commit suicide.
Another disturbing hobby of Nero’s was to have his victims’ heads cut off and brought to him so he could make scathing remarks about them. He reportedly delivered the nose insult while holding up the head of one of his deceased conspirators.
